Mourning and Loss

So, Colleen and I had to fly to Pennsylvania to attend the funeral of her paternal grandmother. That wasn't easy. I am not a fan of funerals (not that I suspect anyone really is) but I think it stems more from the not knowing how to act. When I saw my father dead in the ER, I cried, and it seemed to come very easily. At a funeral, however, I have never cried. Even my own grandmother's passing did not raise a tear. I don't think I am heartless, far from it, I just think that I react very strangely to the premise of death. It makes attending funerals very hard.

I think a large part of it comes from my sheer lack of faith. For me, that's the end of that person. There's no "other side" I have to worry about. It may also be that they usually look at such peace at that time, when the last time I saw them it was far from peaceful. I don't really know, and I am not sure I'll ever know. Knowing that whatever the net of that philosophical discussion is, they are at peace in this life and that is probably adequate for me. It just means that a death for me isn't a mourning, it is a celebration. They have been released from this mortal coil, and no longer have the concerns or issues that were in their life at this time. That to me is relieving.

A death in the family always brings family and friends out of the wordwork. I was really surprised to meet Colleen's father's side of the family. I guess every family tree has a black sheep branch. I know mine does. LOL (for those that want just a small sample, you can visit www.jbotti.com and see the patriarch of the branch of my family that is definitely on the fringe. They are good people, but they are the folks that the other side of my family definitely doesn't talk much about.

Anyway, just wanted to post a brief message. It was on my mind

Cheers

An interesting turn of events

Well, I really didn't want to start the day out this way, but I am so incensed right now, I just had to put it down on paper. I have a dog, if you didn't know. A mutt I adopted from a local animal rescue. He's smaller (about 22 pounds) but for some reason sees the fenced back yard as punishment. So, I walk him twice a day. It's good exercise for me anyway, so I don't really mind. As we were walking past the clubhouse, we pass by a couple walking their baby around the neighborhood. Now, the homeowner's association has a clean up after your dog rule, which I follow with only mild grumbling (putting something that organic into a plastic bag seems counter intuitive.) When we walked by the bushes on the corner, I saw that someone had chosen to not clean up after their dog. When the couple walked by, the man pointed at the dog pile, and said audibly "well, isn't that nice" and proceeded to stare at me like it was my dog's leavings. I said as audibly "it isn't his, I am not going to pick it up." He continued to stare at me, and then said "oh yeah? Where is your bag?" I produced it from my pocket and suggested he keep his mind on his own business and not mine. He then turned and spit at me as though somehow he felt vindicated by his actions towards me. I am so furious about this. I don't look down my nose at people, why in the hell should I have to let this idiot look down his nose at me? I am not a violent person, but I sure wanted to show him the back side of my fists just to let him know that he was way out of line. Of course, I did nothing except stew. Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds. I can understand his frustration because there are a lot of people that don't ever clean up after their pets, but don't vent that misguided frustration on someone that isn't part of the problem.

On an unrelated note, the diet seems to be going fairly well. I know it was mostly water weight, and I have since climbed back above my "Mendoza Line" (a benchmark of mediocrity coined by Chris Berman of ESPN) but there was actually a period in the last week where my weight was below 200. That is lighter than I have been since well before moving to NC, and is lighter than I was just before my divorce. I am pretty impressed with how well I have adjusted to this diet. Damn, but I miss french fries. :-) I will say, however, as long as the weight does seem to stay level or continue to drop, I am going to stick with it. This means I have roughly 16 more pounds to lose. That would put me at 185, which would be about where I was in 1992. That's not too shabby at all.

Another poker night last night, and another night I showed a complete lack of patience. I think that's why I continue to play. It forces me to learn patience. I am constantly trying to force hands, and in Hold 'Em, you shouldn't. Oh well, another $25 shot to hell. It was nice to see some other folks win. We have been in a rut of late, with the same three people winning money regularly. I, however, have not been one of them, as I am rarely able to scare people away with my inane bluffs. :-)

Well, not much else to say really. Just wanted to get some things off my chest this morning.

Cheers.

It's been a while

Well, I just realized it has been more than a month since I last posted to the blog. I am a slacker, what can I say? :-) So, let me see if I can catch folks up on what's been going on lately.

After we got back from the cruise, I was shocked to see the weight I had reached. It was heavier than I thought I would ever get (226 lbs is chunky) and decided I'd have to go on a diet if I was going to do something about my size. Not that I am pitching a specific diet, but we chose South Beach. Colleen agreed to go on it with me, and I was very glad. I don't think I could have made it if she wasn't on it as well. South Beach, in my opinion, gets everything right that Atkins does wrong. Please don't take that the wrong way (from a liability perspective) if you are the Atkins diet folks. I think Atkins is great for short term dieting, but it suffers from a yo-yo effect far too often, and gives folks the impression that carbohydrates are al bad. Anyway, since starting the diet, I have lost 24 pounds. My goal is 40 total (well 41 really, since my target is 185), and to be back below 200 before October 1st. That (below 200) would put me lower than when I moved to NC 4 years ago, and that's not too shabby. I really should be increasing my exercise, but I am lazy. Hell, I don't even take the time to post to this blog, you want me to work out? :-) As I write this post, I am "enjoying" a meal replacement shake (low carb of course) and thinking about my salad for lunch. Yummy!

On the home front, we have been nesting I guess is the easiest way to explain it. We called in a carpeting and flooring company, and had new carpet laid throughout the house, with the exception of my office and the dining room. Laminate flooring for those two rooms, and I love the way it all looks now. Of course, now we still have to get the kitchen done. Colleen and I want real tile floor in there. Right now, it is laminated wood flooring (isn't real hard wood because we are on a slab and not a raised floor, so can't nail real wood to the concrete.) The flooring is nice, but it shows the signs of having pets and generally looks crappy. We believe that tile will give us the look we really want. Of course, that means even more costs. With the money we spent this year in remodeling, we could have purchased a plasma TV and a good chunk of a boat. I guess that means our priorities have changed. :)

Still no baby. Not for lack of trying, believe me, but still disappointing. I think Colleen is too uptight about it, but I can't say I blame her. After the trouble, being anxious about it is her right. I just wish she wouldn't get so down when it becomes obvious we missed again. I think this month, we're talking about an ovulation detector, or some such contraption. All I know is "work, work work" for me (LOL) until we get it right. ;-) Colleen's grandmother told me she wanted to see her grandchild (she has a few already, but since Colleen is an only child, they are all cousins. I know it would be nice, and I was disappointed when I knew my grandmother wouldn't get to see my baby, so I can only hope we make that goal. We also added a screened in canopy to the back yard, since while we'd like a screened in porch, we know we won't have the money for that anytime soon. Colleen says she really loves the house. At the same time, she's really not too sure about the neighborhood. It is hard on her, since she has so little in common with the other wives. They all have multiple children, and many don't work at all. Still, there are some good people in the neighborhood, but I don't know how to get Colleen involved to meet those. I don't think she understands why that pushes my buttons. I know that every neighborhood will have some people that are snobs, and some that are false, but still, this is a good neighborhood and there have got to be some down to earth folks around. Most of my softball team is from the subdivision, and they don't seem to be that snooty. I could be wrong, of course, but then again, men usually suck at playing those kinds of status games anyway.

We went to see Colleen's parents for Labor Day. They threw us a belated wedding reception there. It was nice. I met a lot of her family I had never met before, and she saw some she hadn't seen since she was young. We went to the Allentown Fair again this year, but somehow it just wasn't the same as we remembered. I think if we go back next year, we should try to hit the state fair, though I don't know how far Harrisburg is from Bethlehem. In general, I love fairs. It is hard on the diet (too many fried foods) but I love midway games. Colleen says I am the best at whack-a-mole she has ever seen. At last year's NC state fair, I won every time I played. We put her parents on the path of a free laptop. The same offer I went through, but for a Windows machine instead of a MAC. They recently got broadband DSL, and it was nice because we were able to use the wireless link to connect to the Internet from the iBook. They seemed interested in web based businesses, so I am going to try to help them with some HTML training, and maybe some overall web stuff so that they can get something going. We showed them freeservers.com for hosting options, since if they sign up, we get free hosting for referring other customers. We'll see.

Softball season started, and I have come to the realization that I am reaching the end of my softball career. I am effectively the worst man on the team, since the coaches had problems figuring out where to insert me in the lineup. We're not a super competetive team, and when you aren't getting in on games stopped for the mercy rule (12 run lead after 5 innings) you know you aren't seen as an asset to the team. I like playing, but I guess I'll have to hang 'em up for good at some point. Oh well, soccer should be starting soon, and I really like playing goalie. I am again not the best player on the team, but I do like throwing my body around the net trying to keep the other team from scoring. I seem to have no fear still, which keeps me from really holding back.

Well, that's about it. I have decided I am going to try harder with this blog. I may post more short messages, just to get into the routine. It seems that my dissertation posts are causing me to not want to really update this thing unless I have something I feel is significant. I like the blog premise, just don't seem to be able to keep motivated to write in it. :-)

Cheers.